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Listen, I know men are weird. I know you ladies often wonder what in the world attracted you to us in the first place. You wonder…

-Why do men always have to buy the biggest and most expensive version of everything? We’re utterly consumed by the latest weed-eater, shopvac, knife, or electronic gadget.

-Why do men always think they can fix things? I’m sure women often wonder why we haven’t figured out after a hundred failed attempts this just isn’t our gift. While we can take apart everything from the TV to the garbage disposal, our expertise usually fails us when we go to put something back together. At this point we’re generally satisfied to leave it in pieces spread out all over the kitchen counter for weeks at a time.

-Why are men fascinated with video games? I believe most women are generally united in their disgust that men can throw so much of their life away playing a stupid video game until the wee hours of the morning. Somehow they don’t understand that this electronic therapy is our version of a day at the spa.

-Why do men think they’re so funny? While most women would say they desire a man with a good sense of humor that generally means something different than a guy whose own bodily noises can make him laugh so hard he almost pees in his pants.

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Ladies, I know we have some complexities but nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the crazy obsession you grown women have with vampires. I know, I know, it’s perfectly healthy and normal to be 34 and wearing a “Team Edward” t-shirt while waiting in ridiculously long lines at the theater. I mean who wouldn’t be into pasty white men who sparkle and have really sharp teeth?

Please be patient with us ignorant men as we try to figure out how in the heck lusting after these immortal stalkers who are lured in by the scent of your “sweet blood” and have to fight the desire to eat you for a snack is somehow romantic.

But don’t worry about us. While you’re at the movies this weekend we’ll be at home fixing things, playing video games until late at night, and still laughing at our own bodily noises. Go Team Edward! 🙂